If you're like me, your masturbation routine goes something like this: You start off with a linear, logical, well-thought-out story. Then, weird things start inserting themselves into the sexual fantasy from nowhere. Then, your mind abruptly transitions to a different scene. Before you know it, you're running through your grocery list.
The truth is, we can't always predict what crazy things will pop into our heads when we masturbate. Some may turn us on, some may actually turn us off, and some may be completely unrelated to sex. And that's all totally fine, because human sexuality has never made any sense.
Since masturbation is already a taboo subject, and people's masturbation thoughts often don't line up with what's considered "normal," we don't always talk about what we think about when we masturbate. But it's important to discuss it so that we realize we're not the only ones who contemplate our rude bosses or aliens or, as the case may be, Dr. Pimple Popper videos.
If you're constantly getting distracted during solo sex — or sex with a partner — Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Bustle, to focus on breathing. "Focus your inhale and exhale using a non obvious pattern to keep you present. If you're thinking about your inhale or exhale then thoughts can't pop in your mind. If a new distracting thought enters send it away (say something like" 'Bye bye thought!") and go back to inhale exhale."
To hear the sometimes sexy, sometimes hilarious things people think of during solo sex, in honor of National Masturbation Month, I asked people for the weirdest, most random things that popped into their heads while they masturbated. Their answers did not disappoint. Enjoy.
Eve, 43. "The weirdest thing that’s ever popped into my head while I masturbated was an incident that happened with a boss of mine at a previous job that really pissed me off. I suddenly thought about it and got pissed off all over again. I couldn’t even continue masturbating. It really sucked. I love my masturbation time."
Robert, 56. "The most unusual, to most people but not me, was having sex with a multi-tentacled alien enveloping me. I was writing a sci-fi novel and well... she was the love interest I had developed."
Alyssa, 26. "I had been going at it for about 10 minutes and suddenly remembered I had to call my landlord about a broken light switch. My landlord is this older guy who is not attractive in the slightest and is the most annoying person ever, which killed my entire mood. I had been meaning to call for about a week, so I don’t know why I had to remember at the most inconvenient time. I don’t think I’ll wait to call next time. I don’t want that to happen again."
Tyler, 28. "I'd say the weirdest thing that has ever popped in my head while masturbating was one of the Dr. Pimple Popper videos. I was watching some sex scene (amateur) and noticed a zit on one of the performers. I started to question if it might be a cyst and immediately remembered a recent Pimple Popper video. Kinda lost my motivation at that point."
Ivana, 25. "You know how you start watching a video on YouTube and the suggestions take you who knows where? Well, that happened to me on a porn site. I ended up watching two guys seriously getting into it... and I actually liked it. It seems that watching steamy gay sex is kinda a turn on for me. Who knew?"
Tracy, 49. "I have a pretty strong personality, so for me, the weirdest fantasies are ones that involve humiliation. In real life, and in my sex life, that is NOT something I want to do, but anything can happen in fantasies."
Brian, 54. "Probably the weirdest thing that I can remember thinking of while masturbating is bestiality, a woman having sex with a dog."
Rachel, 52. "Oh shit, I forgot to pick up my daughter from school."
Costa, 22. "I guess the weirdest thing is thinking about how the people in the other rooms are doing something very mundane while I'm getting off, and that's an extra turn on."
Feeling less alone about your own weird masturbation thoughts yet? I definitely am.