If it’s possible to imagine a weird sex thing, you can be certain that someone isn’t just imagining it but doing it, filming it and monetizing the hell out of it online somewhere. Here are 15 unusual sex things you probably haven’t heard of.
The Victorians didn’t have the internet, so instead they came up with furtling: cutting out bits of pictures and sticking their fingers in to make them look like bare breasts or buttocks.
2. Cake farts
There is a cake. There is a woman. The cake has icing. The woman is not wearing pants. The cake is on the worktop. The woman is on the worktop. You can probably guess what happens next.
Sexual attraction to the nose, which may manifest itself as a desire for physical contact, a desire for genital contact or fantasies about transforming one’s own nose.
4. Doorknob licking
A thing in Japan, apparently.
Sexual attraction to machines, most commonly motor vehicles, helicopters, aeroplanes and so on. Not to be confused with trainspotting or plane spotting, which come from very different motivations.
6. Inflatable suits
You’ve seen fetish clothing. You’ve seen rubber. But you might not have seen inflatable rubber fetish clothing that turns an ordinary human into a giant sex balloon, or Baymax from Big Hero 6.
7. Objectum sexualis
Attraction to inanimate objects. Those objects could be washing baskets, trucks or the Eiffel Tower. If we were eight years old we’d add: or your mum.
Rather than ‘I’d hit that’, forniphiles think ‘I’d like to sit on that’: they’re into human furniture, a subset of bondage where people are tied and transformed into chairs, tables and other everyday bits of furniture.
Be careful who you invite to dinner: vorarephiles have an erotic desire to be consumed by others, to watch people being consumed or to consume others. The fetish is usually shortened to “vore”.
Erotic gratification from falling down stairs. Thankfully this one’s very rare, or getting around shopping malls and church towers would be a lot more hazardous.
Macrophilia is the sexual arousal at the thought of being with big people. We don’t mean big in the sense of having eaten too many pies. We’re talking amazonian women, attack of the 50-foot women and the giant that lives at the top of Jack’s beanstalk. It’s usually, but not always, a male fantasy.
Sexy, sexy teeth. This one can range from the relatively mild – wanting to lick your partner’s teeth – to full-on amateur dentistry.
The sex act previously known as frottage involves getting off by rubbing yourself against unsuspecting and non-consenting people.
The rather impenetrable scientific name for arousal from being kicked in the nuts or otherwise receiving pain to one’s family jewels.
Sexual interest in ears. You could call it – wait for it – aural sex.
Are there any unusual sex things we’ve missed? Let us know in the comments below.