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If you're like me, your masturbation routine goes something like this: You start off with a linear, logical, well-thought-out story. Then, weird things start inserting themselves into the sexual fantasy from nowhere. Then, your mind abruptly transitions to a different scene. Before you know it, you're running through your grocery list.

UNIMPRESSED moms have revealed the oddest things their partners have ever done in bed, and it sounds like there are some seriously strange fellas out there.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, the famous saying tells us, and so it appears for one particular woman in North East India as she ran down the street with her boyfriend’s penis after cutting it off. No she had not caught him playing naughty with another woman; it was down to the tradition of parents arranging marriage for their offspring.

A couple having sex for the first time were left with serious injuries - after the man used a plastic bag as a condom.  The unnamed duo, who were having intercourse for the first time, were treated in hospital for genital lesions, abrasions and bleeding.

Talk about New York’s Finest.

Samantha Sepulveda is a local police officer who doubles as a lingerie and swimsuit model — and her sexy poses have garnered more than 110,000 followers on her @sammysep Instagram page.  Sepulveda, 32, is only 5-foot-2 but deceptively tough. She’s a fitness fanatic who wields her femininity more effectively than a firearm.