A guy walks into a bar. On his shoulder is a tiny man about a foot tall. As he sits down at the bar, the bartender approached and asks what he'll have. The man says, "I'll have a Glenlivet, double, neat, thank you. By the way, do you have a piano?"
"Actually, we do," the bartender replies. "It's over there in the corner."
The little man jumps down from the man's shoulder, hops down to the floor, and walks to the piano. He begins to play. He plays everything from Beethoven to Jerrry Lee Lewis, Chopin to Billy Joel.
The bartender brings the man his Scotch, and says, "I'm sorry, but I just have to ask - what's the deal with the little guy? I've never heard anyone play the piano so beautifully."
The man takes a sip of his drink and says, "Well, a few years ago, I was castaway on a deserted island. One day, I found a bottle on the beach. I opened it and out popped a genie. The genie said, 'You have freed me from my captivity. I shall grant you three wishes'. First I asked to be rescued and was instantly transported to Hawaii. Second, I wished to be to be extremely wealthy. To be honest, my accountants still haven't figured out just how much money I have."
The bartender gathers his composure, having never heard such a tale. He then says, "That's amazing, but it doesn't explain the little man."
The man takes another sip from his drink and says, "I'm getting to that. You see, I didn't realize the genie was a little hard of hearing. He thought I said I wanted a 12 inch pianist."
Okay, I have been telling this joke since my age was in the single digits.
A woman buys an old mirror at a flea market. The seller tells her to be careful because it is a magic mirror with the ability to grant wishes.
Once she gets home, she hangs the mirror on her bedroom door. She starts thinking about what the seller told her and says, "What the heck. I might as well try." She stands in front of the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bustline a 44." Instantly, her breasts begin to grow, popping the buttons from her blouse to expose her beautiful, firm, rounded breasts.
When her husband arrives home from fishing a few hours later, he is astonished at her transformation. She tells him the story of the mirror, but he, understandably, has is hesitant to believe it. The woman says to him, "Fine. If you don't believe me, try it for yourself."
She leads him to the mirror and says, "Make a wish."
The husband, feeling a little perturbed at what he considers to be nonsense, looks at the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my pecker drag the floor."